Thursday, May 7, 2009

Let's be real...

Because I don't want you to think that I'm never having a bad day or this whole parenting thing is easy... It's not... It definitely has gotten easier, I say that lightly, because yes, it's still very hard, but I think I've finally found my groove as a mother & wife. The beginning... oh man, was a different story for sure.... Let me enlighten you....

Well, I LOVED being pregnant (and do this time around too). I was that girl. Always touching my belly, had visions of a perfect delivery, visions of me being a perfect mom and making no mistakes... I read every book you could think of. Frequented many websites. Researched all the toys, contraptions, car seats, etc. You had a question, I could find the answer or knew the answer, b/c I had already heard or read about it... I considered myself an expert! hahahah! I had a birth-plan, that I never gave my doctor. I had my breast-pump, b/c I was determined that I was going to nurse. I think it may be an understatement to call it over-the-top! I just saw it as planning and wanting/knowing what's best for my child.... I'm sure so many people were just so annoyed with me! Anyways...

When it came to 40 weeks, the doctor asked if I wanted to go ahead & be induced... I happily obliged... I wanted to meet Maxx/Cydni! Well, that definitely didn't go as planned. On January 18th, 2008, Matt & I walked into the hospital glowing, about ready to have a baby! I got all hooked up and ready to go and started to wait.and wait.and wait. HUGE smile on my face the entire time... Labored all dang day long. Cydni's heart just wasn't cooperating with the contractions. It would literally stop...as well as Matt & I's when we saw that line with no movement.... So, at 9:04, she was delivered via c-section. I never once let my mind entertain a c-section. This was one thing I wasn't prepared for AT ALL. The recovery, nothing. I never once read 1 article about it b/c I thought, "Oh, I won't have any problems! I WILL have this babe naturally (with an epi, of coarse)." So, that was the start of my emotional roller-coaster! I was ashamed of myself for not letting her come naturally, b/c maybe then we would've never had any complications... never had a c-section... etc. etc. etc. The reality of it is though, I still probably would've had a c-section, b/c of the way her head was laying...but, she could've moved eventually... Gotta love all the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's!"

At first, I considered this a failure on my part... - HOW DARE I!? The end result was a healthy mom & baby! That's all anyone wants... I should've been on cloud 9! I finally got to meet Cydni! And, there I was crying, b/c of my pain & that I had a c-section. Pretty darn pitiful. I.AM.ASHAMED.OF.MYSELF. Tears in my eyes just thinking about it.... (I curse myself) So, in thinking that my birth-story was a failure, I was bound and DETERMINED to nurse. This was my next big mistake. I put so much pressure on myself to nurse. I had all the beginning mother's questions & struggles with nursing (calling Kasie 5 x's a day to make sure I was doing it right). I was doing it. I was proud & happy... Everything was on track. Then I had to go back to work 8 weeks later... I was so scared that my supply was going to drop that I started taking reglan. Oh Lord, I was emotional enough at this point with having to leave her 8 hours a day. To throw reglan in on top of it (known to cause depression & anxiety), was just STUPID! But, remember, I was DETERMINED! If I didn't make it to 6 months nursing, I considered it a failure... I loved nursing and would've done anything to keep it going. Cyd & I spent countless hours together one on one and I wouldn't trade it for the world, but taking reglan was my next mistake... the toll it took on me emotionally was ...i can't think of the word.... horrid. I was a wreck. Everyone was worried about me. I would cry at the drop of a hat... Yes, more than what I already do....! ;-) I was anxious all the time. I just wanted to stay home and keep her on schedule... and live in our own little bubble.

So, I did reach my 6 month goal and then threw in the towel on that exact date! Stopped taking reglan and holy cow, my emotional state changed drastically! This is when I finally started to get into my groove. I love being a mother, but it was just *me* and those stupid expectations I placed on myself. Cyd was a dream that entire time -That's what's great about being a mother...you don't remember all the hard times - ..she IS an awesome baby/toddler. The good Lord knew that I would need a sleeper & a well-adjusted baby, b/c I don't know how I would've reacted if she was colicky on top of my partly self-induced emotional state! **Sidebar: I'm sure I had a bit of the baby blues too, but I have no doubt that reglan played a MAJOR role in my anxiety/depression***

So, life after the 6 month mark just got better & better! Of coarse, we have ups & downs, but none of them compare to that first 6 months, so I don't even really think about them much. I try to laugh about as much as I can now and look at the bright side..when I think about it.... The hardest part about parenting for me right now is getting Cydni over her texture freakness! She drives me CRAZY that she will only eat a handful of things that aren't ground up! I digress, I just wanted you all to know that I very much do have bad days. Cydni is FAB, but she is also a stinker that pushes me over the top sometimes that I have to just walk out of the room and come back, but emotionally, I feel normal again! -That is, if I was normal in the beginning!- Maybe, I should say I feel like myself again!

Not that I need to explain, but I wanted to b/c I was looking back threw my posts' & I haven't posted much about our 'down' days.... And, that's not being very 'real.' So, hopefully, you don't think any less of me for my 'failures' I placed on myself! I consider any birth to be a gift...however you have your baby! And I consider any amount of trying to nurse a success, b/c IT'S HARD WORK! I think God was putting me through all of this so I would see that I was setting myself unrealistic expectations BEFORE I knew anything about anything! Who was I to think that vaginal birth is the only way to go or it's not a success if you don't breastfeed until 6 months!? Ugh! I'm so disgusting! Atleast, I know now.... and I pray that I will enjoy ALL of my ride with Baby Amelia! (Matt keeps calling her Mia-I'm still not quite ready to rule out Presley though).

So, from now on, I will try to be more aware to post some of my struggles too. We all know that at some point, we either have gone through or are going through the same thing, so why not share and get through it together! I just never really thought to post downer moments. I don't really like thinking about them myself, much less writing about them, but I know it will help me to laugh about them in the long run!

So, advice for all you momma's to be. Take it all in stride. All those books you read & all the advice you get from other momma's, store it away and as you and your baby(ies), get to know one another, try all of the suggestions you were given. No two babies are alike and not one plan is going to work perfectly. AND, go into it with NO EXPECTATIONS! ;-)

Sheesh! This became a novel! Sorry! I'm nervous about posting this!

6 comments:

The Utley Crew said...

It must be an Andrea thing...with a few changes, I could have written this post, word for word! Let me assure you, with this new baby, it will be SO different! You will be so much more confident and at ease, and all of those things that you worried about so much with Cydni will not matter. As long as everyone is healthy, happy, fed and clean...that is all that matters! :) It took me a while to come to that realization, too.

Emily said...

thanks for sharing friend:) I love your honesty!!!

kdurec said...

Thanks for being so honest. :) I had such a hard time, and still do. I feel like Ms. Kendra and I go through phases, the good Lord knows that she is a pistol and was definitely the colicky, difficult baby, and persists to through at least 5 tantrums a day now (that is a good day, believe it or not). Parenting is hard, thanks for being honest.

mamalouise said...

This post was amazing...I loved every word because you were so honest about it all! Motherhood (especially the beginning with your FIRST) is WAY harder than anyone ever talks about (that is until we invaded the blog world)...your story WILL help someone else. Isn't that amazing? :) PS-I *heart* both Presley and Amelia. :)

Arlene said...

Thank you for sharing that Andrea and being so honest. I've seen you're relationship with Cyd blossom more and more each time!

kate said...

Annie..you are a great mom. It is wonderful to see you w/Cyd and I can't wait to see you w/"Mia!" I can only hope to follow in you foot steps one day and I can't wait to come to you for advice!